In economics and planning, there is a thing called the sunk cost fallacy. It comes about when people continue with something that isn’t working because they have put so much effort into it that they don’t want to abandon it. Rather than cutting their losses, they continue because, in part, they can’t let go of the time and effort that they have already invested. Their experience of the past limits their future choices.

I feel like I suffer from a similar fallacy, which I think of as the ‘sunk guilt fallacy’. My past guilt limits what I can do in the future. For me, fear of letting people down is a powerful motivator. I want people to like me. If I promise to do something and I don’t do it, I feel guilt. I’m afraid that people will be disappointed in me. I feel like I’ve let them down or that I’ve let myself down. I feel guilty.

At this point, I have two choices:

• Do the thing. This relieves the feeling of guilt and allows me to get on with things.
• Don’t do the thing. This magnifies the feeling of guilt, giving it more weight.

Most of the time I don’t do the thing, even though I know I’ll feel better if I do. Mostly this is because I’m thinking about how disappointed people will be that the thing is late, or it has become apparent that the thing is harder to do than I thought, or because I want to try to make it even better than originally planned (to counteract the disappointment that people might feel). For a range of reasons that I don’t really understand, I don’t do the thing.

I procrastinate. I do other things that are easier, but not as important. There is always more things to do than I can get done, so there is never a lack of things to do. In general, the more time I have, the less likely I am to do the thing. When I’m very busy, I don’t have time to dwell on fears or feelings, so I get a lot done. It is when I have a bit of slack time that sunk guilt fallacy comes out to play.

As I fail to do the thing, it gets heavier. I’m carrying it around with me, thinking about it, worrying about it, but not doing it. Other things get done, but not it. It gets all of my attention, but none of my love. Over time, it can grow enormously heavy. I can hardly move for the weight of it. It starts to interfere with my life, manifesting as irritability or low-level (well masked) depression.

Eventually, the thing gets done. Something shifts within me and I can just do it. Or some external, immovable deadline approaches that forces me to face my fear and guilt and get it done. Usually, it doesn’t take long. My partner is constantly amazed that I can moan for days or weeks about how hard a thing is, and then get it done in an hour. “Why didn’t you do it weeks ago?”, she says. “You would have felt so much better.” But I can’t.

She is right though. I do feel better when I’ve done the thing. The weight is lifted. The sun shines in. My steps are lighter. My mood is lifted.

Until the next time I fall behind or fail to do something.

Therapy helps. Talking to someone who isn’t invested in the thing, who wants to help me understand myself better and become a more independent person, that helps. It doesn’t always get me to the point where I do the thing, but it does help.

Other than that, I have no wisdom. If you’ve read this far looking for a solution, I’m sorry to disappoint. I guess I’m just putting this blog post up as a placeholder for myself. Next time I’m in this situation, perhaps I can come here and read it. Perhaps that will help.

Or perhaps I have something that I should be doing right now, something that is starting to weigh me down.

Perhaps that is why you are here, reading this. If so, do that thing. You’ll feel better when you have. Good luck with it.